Enabling   The enabling process is a subtle, progressive and insidious development in a chemically dependent situation. It presents itself in the guise of well-intentioned and caring efforts to assist the chemically dependent person in numerous ways.   Each enabling situation or episode is unique, however, most share certain common characteristics. Principally, enabling behaviors are ways for someone else to take the responsibility (or consequences) for the chemically addicted person's actions. This can go on for a very long time repeatedly allowing the individual to deny that there is a problem associated with the alcohol/drug usage.   ENABLING BEHAVIORS     Family Members     I.   Chief enabler--usually the spouse or parent     a.   loans money/supports financially the addicted person b.   drinks/uses with the addict/alcoholic c.   covers up, makes excuses with family, friends, employers, neighbors d.   bails them out of jail e.   hides the supply/doles it out to control usage f.   holds the money and tries to control usage g.   accepts excuses and empty promises     II.   Hero--frequently, the first born   a.   overachiever--provides family with it's self worth while diverting attention from problems b.   may become a surrogate spouse c.   may become a surrogate parent     III.   Scapegoat--enables through distraction   a.   acts out, shifting focus away from the dependent person (i.e., stealing, fighting, dropping out of school, unplanned pregnancy, etc.) b.   runs away c.   acts sullen     IV.   Lost child--enables through sense of relief "the family doesn't need to worry about this child   a.   avoids family contact b.   withdrawn (aloof) c.   stays quietly busy; doesn't rock the boat     V.   Mascot--enables by providing comic relief in stressful situations   a.   acts fragile b.   acts cute and funny to diffuse threatening situations c.   acts immature     Professional Enabling     I.   Doctors-- enabling through misdiagnosis     a.   failing to identify symptoms normally associated with chemical dependency b.   failure to confront patient's underlying problems, but continue to treat secondary symptoms c.   freely dispensing sedatives and narcotics often without an examination d.   allowing phone-in refills past the point of reasonable expectation     II.   Minister-- enable through not identifying chemical dependency as a disease in need of special treatment   a.   praying for recovery (without referring to treatment) b.   moralistically attacking the drinking or drug use c.   attempting to manipulate through guilt     III.   Employers-- enable by "not wanting to pry into employee's private life   a.   accepting missed deadlines b.   allowing sloppy work c.   excessive sick days, late for work, leaving early d.   accepting excuses for accidents without further investigation e.   continuing to pay salary for deficient work performance   Each of these lists could be easily increased. The key factor of enabling behavior is that it allows the alcoholic/addict to evade facing the problem. By allowing responsibility to be shirked, enabling behavior grants permission for the problem to continue and grow. Enabling enhances the chemically dependent's emotional pain (guilt and inadequacy), thus stimulating more defensive behaviors and setting the stage for the next episode.   Since enabling behavior is often done with the best of intentions and since the consequences of chemical addiction and alcoholism are often so drastic. It is a tragic fact that often times friends and family of an addict/alcoholic literally love them to death.   One specific enabling behavior was not mentioned above because it deserves special discussion. This is the "no talk rule". This rule covers any topic or area of life that is "off limits" to discussion due to the possible threat to the chemically dependent person's delusions.     a.   amount of alcohol/drug use, quantity or frequency   b.   money--income or expenditures   c.   sexual problems or dysfunctions   The "no talk rule" is the single most destructive of all enabling behavior. It helps the alcoholic/addict continue the delusion that "things are not that bad". Addiction/alcoholism operate best in the shadows and dependent persons hate the glare of open, honest communication--the very thing needed for recovery. Because this is the primary rule that an intervention breaks, it is understandable why the first response to an intervention is hostility. It will be the trained interventionists job to transform that fear into acceptance.   SUMMARY OF ENABLING BEHAVIORS       1.   Denying: "He's not an alcoholic". As a result:   a.   expecting the person to make rational choices b.   expecting the alcoholic/addict to control their drinking c.   accepting promises to change without concrete plans     2.   Drinking with the alcoholic     3.   Accepting rationalizations: "my job is so stressful", "all the kids are doing it"     4.   Not talking so as not to "rock the boat"     5.   Avoiding social situations that might make the alcoholic "uncomfortable"     6.   Minimizing: "It's not so bad. at least he doesn't...".     7.   Taking over responsibilities     8.   Making excuses to family, friends and work     9.   Blaming, criticizing, lecturing     10.   Controlling: hiding/destroying supplies, taking charge of the money     11.   Enduring: "This too shall pass".     12.   Waiting: "God will take care of it".   The critical point about these and many other attitudes and behaviors is that they take the place of actually doing something that addresses the specific underlying problem.     Monarch Interventions 562-754-4548 rmartin@monarchinterventions.com